Thursday, January 3, 2013


You know what's funny? I learned a lesson. I learned a lesson that has taken me 33 years to learn.

Over the holiday break, we decided to drive back to Chicago and experience Christmas with our families for the first time since Mia was the age of Eryx. When you have four parents that have been divorced and remarried that turns into a lot of people to visit and dragging our kids around to all of those homes was tough. So when we decided to move from Illinois, we made a rule that Christmas was sacred. It was our family celebration to be had in our home with our kids and our stuff. That was a good plan and for many years we did just that. Along the years we began certain traditions where we invited friends, dear friends, to our house and had a pizza party. But still our house, our kids, our stuff.

Well here we are, years later and we forgot our rules. We forgot our motives and felt hopeful that this Christmas would be different and better spent with our family in Chicago. I had visions of holiday glee as our children would get to spend time with their loved ones and would get to know them in other ways. After all our children are growing up and should have a working knowledge of who they are and of whom they were born.

Without going into too much detail, I can say this trip was different. Very different. The lesson I learned  was a painful lesson. It was a lesson that I was thankful for identifying, labeling and filing. The lesson was that you simply cannot WILL someone love you. No matter the someone. You can spend years upon years trying and hoping, but you cannot do it. Also I learned that in cases where you've done all that can be done, it's not you. It's them. This is a tough lesson to bear up. It's especially tough when it's a parent you wish would show you that love. But like I said, you cannot force love. It's like rain, you enjoy its droplets but cannot produce them no matter how thirsty you are. No matter how deep the cracks of earth are that desperately need moisture. You cannot make it rain with any special dance, and you cannot make one love you with any amount of effort.

I have a Father in heaven who is perfect at showing His love. He is a perfect parent. At His side is my Heavenly Mother. It has to be this way. A spirit child needs both a spirit Mother and Father. That makes sense to me. I pray to my Father as my Brother has instructed me to do. I tell my Father everything and that relationship is real. While I pray to my Father, I think of my Mother. My perfect Heavenly Mother. I can feel Her love. I know that I need not do anything to be loved by Her. She knows my children and loves them too, after all they are Hers too. She has watched me grow and guided me along the way. I know this. It would not work any other way. I also know that while I don't get to see Her face right now, I will. She will tell me that it had to be this way for me on this earth. She will remind me of how my trial in this area has made me an amazing mother. How without this hurt I would not have know so fully what my children need from me as mother.

It was a hard lesson, but I'm thankful for the perspective it brought. It also reminded me of my Texas family. That dear family that I didn't get to celebrate the holiday with. I won't leave that family again for the holiday. I should have known better in the first place. I should have spent the day gabbing with my best friend, my sister, and oftentimes my mother. I'm thankful for the people in my life that make up for the void of this painful lesson. Yet another blessing for my perfect Parents! I have but a few true friends, but these people are my heart and I hope they know they are loved by me.


Sara Walker said...

family is hard. at least that is how it seems to me. i love my family and jons family, but that doesnt make it easy. hope your new years was better! i wish we lived close enough to come to your pizza party, i bet its fabulous!

Nicole said...

you are amazing. i can only imagine your pain, but i'm glad that you have such a wonderful perspective. we are so blessed to have heavenly parents who care and watch over us, who put angels in our paths to uplift and fill in the holes. <3