Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I don't believe in new year's resolutions...

It's back to school season and I finally have a chain of minutes to blog again. The end of this summer got pretty intense around here and I literally did not have a moment to even go to the bathroom let alone turn on the computer. But alas, the summer is over and the big kids are back to school.

I cannot believe how much I've learned this last year. I thought I had it all pretty much figured out, but I was so wrong. So many lessons have come to me. Most of them by pretty hard and rocky roads. But I have to say, I am so ever grateful for those lessons learned and the wisdom I've gained from those trials.

Some of them I've shared on this blog, and some of them I will keep as treasures just for myself. One of the biggest ones was the reality that even though I know perfect is the best, it's not always possible and we overachievers must settle on good enough. If I could title this past year, I would simply call it "Good Enough". Anything else would have drowned me and quite honestly I've felt very near suffocation quite a few times.

"Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm". I thought I had it all figured out for so long. It's been very humbling to see that I did/do not. My trials were different at that time. Now...I get it, trust me!

Good enough, I've learned this through my desire to homeschool, keep a perfect house, teach a perfect gospel in our home, have children with the most perfect temperaments. This year I settled on good enough. While I know that homeschool is the BEST answer, I could not mentally handle it all with everything else going on in our house. So public school is good enough for now and our kids will be fine. I actually got a little excited about the time alone with the little boys that it will afford me. It's been a long summer....I need this year of less excitement during the day. And you know what...that's ok. I'm a wonderful mom either way. Same person actually....I just know my limits.

Another growth I've had this year was when I decided to shut off Facebook and other blogs. I needed this year to heal my relationships that got misunderstood from that forum. Back in June I decided to welcome Facebook back in my life because as much as I had hoped to, I just wasn't keeping those relationships that are important to me in good health. So I went back on with extreme caution and just maintained "friendships" with long distance family and friends that I love so very much. Recently I've been slowly adding in local people that I feel are safe. Not safe in the definition of the word, but in feeling. If I ever felt like a disagreement on FB would or could end that relationship I won't risk a friendship on the computer in that way. I'll stick to personal contact there where I can use my internal gauges better to help me navigate. I've had friends send requests, friends that I know read this blog, don't be hurt by this. I know myself better and know that it just won't be good. Let us be face to face friends!

Perspective was the greatest gift I was given this year. Since the addition of the newest baby, the changing of Chris's job, and some other issues we've dealt with, I've learned what really matters in this life. The answer to that question...what really matters in this life, has little to do with this life and more to do with the next. I've shut out the world in a sense and HAD to invest every extra second to our kids and marriage. I can't do it all so I'm going to do what matters most. I'm no longer concerned with what "they" say about me, or how they are poorly managing their affairs, who's husbandff is sleeping with whom, how so and so's kid is doing in school, if someone is prettier than me, if they are more well read, if they can run faster than I do, if they seem to be better spiritually than me..... I can't do it anymore. I. Just. Don't. Care! I can't care! I don't have time to care!

Now if someone is in need of me, I care. I rearrange and show them I care. But the rest is nonsense and if someone in my life brings it in...they go out. I know who I am and I cannot risk bad influences. I've always tried to be an influence for good, but the instant I see myself getting taken over by the other side...I'm out. I just can't do it, and unfortunately most people on this earth know the formula to drag me down pretty quickly. It's such a temptation. "I won't let you pull me in because I know you're going to win". So until I can better handle myself in those situations, I have to cut it off. Someone once said to me, if we spend our time looking forward we don't have the time or desire to look around. I've spent the last year looking forward...often with blinders on. It's been great.

I've always tried to lead with my light. Oh man I'm so imperfect though. I'm so flawed and evil, but I am striving to be better everyday. When I reflect over the span of my life I see that increase. I see improvements. I see setbacks, but more improvements and STRIVING for a better self. Perspective is a beautiful thing.

I'm so thankful for the good people in my life. The ones that make me want to be better. The ones that lift me up instead of smash me down. I've had the blessing of being surrounded with a great many like that over this last year. Thank You! Back to school means opening up MY world a little and I've already felt some stings from that, but I know I can do it. I'm better equipped. I'm thankful!

1 comment:

Nicole said...

<3 this post! :)

*pushing AMEN button*