Wednesday, November 30, 2011


The school recently had a talent show. Mia desperately wanted to participate, but every friend she asked already had someone to perform with and would not add her to their group. None of her friends thought of asking her and this just broke my heart for her. I've watched Mia struggle a little lately with the great curse of female friendships. I see the same scenarios that I struggled with now in replay in her life.

As an adult, I know the answers to her playground issues, yet I still struggle with my own female friendships on an adult level. My friend Nicole recently wrote a blog post about friends of convenience. It was about friendships and how we work to either keep them or how we walk away from them. I've walked away from a few relationships lately and that has served me just fine since I've seen no following. It's like that saying if you love it let it go and if it's yours it will return...something like that. What a good test it's been to give up facebook. The ones that really cared followed me and kept up with me and that has been great.

My husband recently acquired a friend. It's funny actually. Chris has always had friends, but not a real true friend that put as much into their relationship as much as he has. It's been fun watching this. Their relationship is so simple. They are hilarious and easy together. It's wonderful to watch their relationship and I'm left a little jealous. Jealous of two things, the time Chris is spending with his friend, and the actual fulfilling relationship of his friend and how happy it makes Chris. Once again I'm left mystified by men. Oh how easy they have it.

Lately my female struggle has been friends who feel the need to equalize. Do you know about this fun concept? It seems for me that ever since my life became something of a joy and blessing, or whenever Chris and I have decided and succeeded to do something the hard and right way, we are surrounded by equalizing. And I dare say that I've noticed people in our lives even satisfied by our failures because maybe somehow this makes them feel better about theirs. It's truly heartbreaking for me to be a victim of this friendship foe.

I try really hard not to brag about my life. I take extreme personal joy in our successes, and we quietly reflect and repair our failures. We are not perfect, we've made mistakes (don't ever allow a car detailing place to steam clean an engine on a Jeep Grand will surely ruin the car leaving you in a poor place!!) but we are who we are. I would hate to feel that in anyway our blessings would make someone feel poorly about themselves. I really hope the opposite. In my world, if I see something praiseworthy or good in others lives, I follow their example and strive and fight for it in mine. I would never put them down in an attempt to make myself feel better for not being that way in the first place. Unfortunately,  in my life I've been surrounded by people who constantly feel the need to belittle me or what I have worked for because they simply don't have it. That's the base of it and I know that. When the rude comparison comments fly, I know it's because the other is insecure. Insecurity has never been a trial of mine. I don't understand it at all. I'm actually quite the opposite which is not always good either.

I'm confident in my life. We have WORKED OUR TAILS OFF for what we have and are constantly trying to improve in the have nots. Just to clarify I'm not really speaking about physical possessions. We have worked too darn hard to have someone elses insecurities make me feel low. Yet people I care about constantly try to do just that. I would never do that to anyone. I actually have the reverse problem and it drives Chris nuts. He says I spend too much effort trying to make people feel better about their bad decisions. I should be quiet or honest....yikes. I have a hard time with both plans, especially if it means hurting someone's feelings that I care about.

I know my life trial has been relationships with people. This trial I've had over and over and over again and I'm certain it won't go away until I figure it out and start doing it right. Or I've learned all I need to from the world around me. Ouch! I've gone through stages with it and I'm in a better place now than I've ever been yet this place is just as hard as the others. Just different. I'm eternally grateful for the good people who do surround me and lift me up. You know it's a good friend when you leave feeling better than you came. I'm trying to teach my daughters what I've learned so they don't struggle like I did as a child. It's hard watching Mia go through these things, because I know they will just get larger and harder.  Although until she figures it out I am totally content being her bff. She's pretty awesome!

1 comment:

Nicole said...

great post. i'm glad to see it to fruition since you've been bouncing around ideas for awhile.

as someone who isn't too affected by people (or at least in the same way you are), here are my thoughts (you've probably already heard them before)...

-you have to distance yourself from toxic people. period.
-it is not your personal mission to make others feel better about crappy decisions/choices they make
-don't assume that others see or feel the same way you do. they don't.

i'm sure there are more ideas that i have on this. but that's all i've got now. ;)