Sunday, May 8, 2011

On Mother's unorganized rambling of sorts

Every Mother's Day I have a slew of mixed feelings. Mixed, messy, upside down, slippery, kinda jumbled and unorganized. Every Mother's Day I spend a little while reflecting on how I am doing as a mother. Are my goals being met for our family. Is there any area that I can improve myself and better qualify for that ever elusive title of MOTHER.

I like to do that. I like accounting and accountability. Taking stock...I'm not too proud to say that I need work. We all need work. I believe that we can glory in our imperfections as long as there is a greater goal being worked on and chipped away at. As long as you are striving at SOMETHING. Are you striving? Don't be stagnant...we have enough of that already don't we? Look around. We do!

Anyway, I always take a little time to take stock on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is a tough one for me. Not just because of my life with my mother, but it just bugs for some reason. I remember the years that passed while we didn't have children and wanted them so badly. Those Mother's Days were painful. So painful. I remember the Mother's Days I've spent pregnant. Those were the best. I remember the ones I spent as a child with my mother before I was mature enough to realize what was going on there. Sometimes being naive feels so good!

In my mind everyday should be Mother's Day right? I feel that way. I'm so thankful EVERYDAY for all that I have. It's never easy, but my husband and family take care of me. If I need a night off, I get it. If I need a nap, I get it. If I need a new necklace...well I buy it. I do realize that every woman is not in that situation and loves a day for herself like that, but I don't like the extra attention. Maybe it's because my mother's tank is full. I don't know.

So where am I going with this? No clue! I know a lot of people have chosen not to have children. That's OK with me. I'm glad that my parents (as messed up as they were) made the choice to have children. I'm grateful that because they were not selfish or driven by fear, I was born. They chose hope. My childhood was hard. It was. It was hard and sad at times, so lonely. But if it had never happened, if I had never been exposed to those things, if my parents ended my life before it had a chance to began, I would not be here with my little crew. I would not be a mother. I would not have the joy and opportunity to raise little people who can improve the things my parents messed up. I REFUSE to allow other peoples mistakes make my decisions or take away my options out of fear for a repeat.

I'm grateful to be a mother four times over. I look forward to all that it brings, and am thankful that my Father in Heaven reminded me of my divine calling when I was so close to forgetting. I'm also thankful to have found a man that has allowed me to live up to my potential and is reaching his at the same time.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

very well put. i am loving reading your blog posts. makes me appreciate you more and myself more. it helps me to take a look at what i'm doing with my life and try to do a little better. thank you for that. :)