Sunday, February 6, 2011

My Mothers Hands

If there is one thing I know well about my mother it is her hands. When I was a child I would stare at them. They were always moving and busy. I watched how she did everything. I would watch her prepare food, tie my shoes, blow dry her hair, paint her nails. I would hold just one finger to cross the street or while riding the train. For some reason her hands have always been a symbol of her love for me in my mind. They worked and worked for my betterment.

A few years ago I was doing something where I noticed that I have the same exact hands. The nail beds, the lines, even the veins are the same as I remember hers to be. It kinda freaked me out a little and pulled me back into my childhood. I moved my fingers and they were hers. It amazed me for some reason. Although the hands are not alone, I have her voice, her laugh, her crooked toe, her hair and fuzzy hairline, her hips...this list goes on and on. I am my mothers child. The sad part for me is that visual images are pretty much all I have nowadays.

This week Ive seriously been considering pulling the plug on this little blog of mine. I'm rather moody you see and sometimes I don't like the people I don't choose to know what my views are. I'm very pensive and introspective. Also I thought I had run out of things to even talk about, but that is physically impossible for me. If there is one thing I can do well it is talk...and talk and talk and talk...ask Chris.

So where did this leave me. I told Chris that I was going to unplug it and he strongly urged me to reconsider. Now if you know my husband at all, he's usually pretty mellow and I'd say that his opinions are never really all that strong when it comes to my "stuff". He listens and gives a very neutral response with both sides of the problem clearly laid out. He's very logical and often that annoys because I'm a raging female and want heat and emotion! But he said that I should not unplug. I was surprised because he rarely comments on my little blog and unless I mention I've posted something, he really doesn't even look at it.

Simply stated he said, how grateful would you be if your mom kept a blog like this, where you could now read who she was and how she felt about motherhood and the world....

So with that said, and a single tear, the blog rolls on. This is my journal. I hope that my kids will read it and know how I cherish them and how I view the world. I hope it will one day help them know more about the mother I was when they were growing. I don't often share all of these crazy thoughts with them. Our days are busy and noisy. My children will never doubt that I love them. I've made sure that every effort I make shows them that. They will have more than flashing memories of my hands tucking them in or brushing their hair. They will have yet another witness of my affection. I believe that in every family the next generation should be improved in whatever ways possible. This is one more of our many improvements.

So read on lurkers! I do love when you comment and tell me that in some small way this little blog helps you. It makes it doubly important then!


Cynthia said...

Love it! This will be part of the legacy you leave to your kids. Rock on lady.....I'll keep reading :)

Denise said...

When I look at you, yes, I see your Mother....but when I LISTEN to you (that includes reading of course) I see only YOU. You have found a way to turn Pain into Purpose <3. FYI that is my future tattoo to come :) Pain into Purpose with a purple tree (for a complicated passion & family). So, blog on with tears and or words. In the end it can only help break the cycle and create and better more knowledgable future for our little ones :) Love ya

Kathleen Jackson said...

That's why I do it, plus I like the outlet and the creativity that comes with is, and it's a place to store my pics. Glad you did not unplug! I love blogs reading them and commenting. blogs should be for you and yours. I like it.

cori said...

This was beautiful, Melissa. I do it as our "family history" (and now, to keep updates about Clara) and hope with you that someday, my kids will know a little more about me (and themselves, hopefully) for the effort. Keep it up!!

This Place is a Disaster! said...

I feel like I am one of the ones you do't want to know your opinions. I understand. I'll just opinion less, especially if it helps you to be at peace with your blogging and personal self.
I do enjoy the blogs of friends and those who I want to know better, especially in a world so far from these people. I think every little bit you can blog, though it be little at times, is worth it.