Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The anatomy of an apology

Have you ever had someone apologize to you and during that apology point out all the reasons that they did something wrong were because of things you've done? Is that even an apology or a justification of actions? I don't think I've had this happen since I was about 10. Well until recently, but how is that even an apology? In our family we call that a blame game. Our kids do it!

If I've done something, something that requires an apology, my heart is in a place where I don't care what the other has done. I just want forgiveness, I want out of the way I feel. There are no rationalizations, no justifications, complete humility. That's what an apology is. It's not dependent on the other person either. It's yours to give and move on. Otherwise it should be kept to yourself. I don't apologize until I'm at that point.

Another thing that bugs is when someone apologizes, even a sincere apology, and expects complete forgiveness at that moment. I don't know about you, but my heart takes time. I'm a firecracker after all. I need a moment to collect myself and feel what that person is saying. It's all good and dandy that YOU are ready to move on, but I may not be ready yet. Let it be!

I don't hold grudges. If I exit people from my life it's because I desire no further insult until I'm in a good place to accept it. We all know it WILL happen again but I can't add more insult to injury. It takes me time. I move on, forget about it, and wait until I can stand to see your face again. But if you keep coming at me with phone calls, emails, fb garbage, it just starts over and over and over again. Especially when you are not apologizing but just playing the blame game. Keep it to yourself.

Now I know that not all people work this way. Some people need to control every situation, but unfortunately emotions of another cannot be controlled by the offender. I've had a few arguments with friends over the years and have found it so funny how they HAVE to have it out right now. Trust me people, Melissa in the heat of the moment is not a pretty person to deal with. I've lived a lifetime with this special personality of mine and nobody knows how to control it better than me...let it be.

Also if there is one thing I've learned, it is time cures all. I am the queen of patience, and I really see why it's such an important skill to have. This life is about self mastery and patience. These two topics are very near and dear to my heart. I've worked so hard on self mastery, I've got a way to go for sure, but I work and chip away constantly! I'm not proud; I know I'm a pile of garbage trying to get clean. The patience part has been different. Patience comes from what happens outside not within. I am grateful for the life I've had and the many many many opportunities I've been given to learn this skill. Priceless!


Anonymous said...

You have more wisdom than you know.

Melissa said...

Aww Lindley thank you. I have to give the credit to a bad childhood and great influences when I was most impressionable.

The Franchi Family said...

I completely agree...especially with the first part. I hate it when people think they're apologizing, but really they are just justifying their actions by blaming you.

Melissa said...

yay for comments!!! Thanks girls!

MaryPosa said...

I found your blog via teamBoo, and i'm SO glad I did. I love this post. Awesome. :)